Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
