mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
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i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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