There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
