Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
