Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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