Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
They are going to name an STD after you.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize