watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
