We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
