marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
