i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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