Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He passed out mid-signature
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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