Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
