I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is