Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
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I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
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That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.