I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
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It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
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All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.