I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
