I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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