I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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