Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
