The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
