I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
