yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
You work out of a Hotel?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
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You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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