I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
