I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
