Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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