hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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