sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
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