My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
