Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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