Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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