i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
