I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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