I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
