The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
