Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
