Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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