I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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