when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
