i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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