i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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