when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
