I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
