Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
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i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
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People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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