i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
