Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
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He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
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Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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