Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
