I'm so fucking centered right now
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Randomize
