I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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