I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
