Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
