I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
it's like heaven, but drunker
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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