Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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