She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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