She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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