Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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