Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just sucked dick on a ferry
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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