I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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