"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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