dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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