someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
