She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
